Three weeks ago, I marked the 20th anniversary of my cancer diagnosis.
I remember July 14th, 2005 well.
A weak, fatigued 48-year-old, I was severely anemic and had lost a lot of weight. I had a months-long never-ending fever of more than 102 degrees and had suffered drenching night sweats. I had endured scan after scan, numerous blood tests, a colonoscopy and a bone marrow biopsy to find the cause of my deteriorating health - to no avail. My primary care doctor had referred me to the top infectious disease physician in the LA area - Jeffrey Galpin - who took what must have been gallons of blood from me to find the cause of my deteriorating health. My friend Mary had flown from Northern California to accompany me to that important follow-up appointment. My husband, Matt, could not join me that day. Because I thought I might get a troubling diagnosis, I wanted someone with me.
But Galpin had no answers. He referred me to hematologist/oncologist Dennis Casciato (RIP) a noted expert on cancer. He literally wrote the book on oncology care for medical school students and physicians.
Casciato’s notes from that day described me as “beyond pale” when I came into his examining room. I was alone. For the appointment with Casciato, my husband was out of the country, due to return later that day.
The doctor looked at all my records - and I had plenty of them - and the notes from my infectious disease doc. He told me he was 99 percent sure I had stage 4 lymphoma. I began to cry. He took my hands in his and said my type of cancer was very treatable and possibly curable. He told me not to look up lymphoma on the internet because there are dozens of types of the disease and I might not have the one that I find.
I promised I would not do that. I didn’t have the strength to sit up and get on the computer, so it was pretty easy to comply.
My husband was in mid-flight at the time. I called my friend, Mary, in tears on the way home, telling her she had come to the wrong appointment.
When Matt returned later that day, I filled him in on the devastating details. Next up would be another bone marrow biopsy which we hoped would yield answers. Doctors said they need to find lymphoma cells to know specifically how to treat the cancer.
That answer wouldn’t come for another nine months.
And in that timespan, I had been treated at three different hospitals, been in several levels of intensive care units, had my enlarged spleen removed in hopes of finding cancer cells. My team of doctors sent it to another top hospital in LA and to a spleen whisperer physician in the Midwest.
I had a few transfusions, a number of spinal taps, another bone marrow biopsy and a procedure called plasmapheresis - in which they drained my blood, froze it and then returned it to my body.
None of these yielded any cancer cells or any improvement in my health. During that time, I was on such a high dose of prednisone that one veteran doctor said he had never seen such a case. And that was just my daily regimen. I had a nurse come to my home once a month to give me a mega-mega prednisone infusion. The docs agreed it was necessary to keep me alive. Unfortunately, it also caused osteoporosis - my once strong bones became brittle. And each time I fell, I suffered compression fractures in my back. (I also have prednisone to credit for cataracts in both eyes.)
My team of doctors watched me become sicker and sicker while they debated whether to perform a brain biopsy. The argument for it - hopefully it would reveal cancer cells. Against - it was very invasive and could cause brain damage or the incision might not be in the correct part of the brain to provide answers.
Meanwhile, my illness left me paraplegic for a spell, unable to speak for awhile and essentially blind in one eye.
One of my doctors was in touch with Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer in New York to see if they could shed light in my case. One said I might have a new type of cancer, another said it might be an unknown ailment AKA Laura’s Disease. My oncologist said he would wake up at night and go to his computer to try to figure out my case.
Finally, they decided to proceed with a brain biopsy, which revealed the elusive cancer cells - large cell B non-Hodgkin lymphoma. It was a rare strain which required more than a year of in-patient chemotherapy - enough to kill an elephant, one of my doctors said. I began physical therapy in the hospital which brought me to tears each day: it was humbling and humiliating.
After four-and-a-half months, split among two hospitals and three rehab places, I was cleared to come home. For nearly a year, I went back to the hospital one week a month for my super-toxic chemo and stayed until it had been flushed from my body.
During this time I had an in-home visiting physical therapist, who helped me get out of a wheelchair and learn to walk using a walker.
A year later, my cancer returned throughout my body. I needed a bone marrow transplant which involved more chemotherapy - more than seven times the amount I had the first time. This time I did check the internet to see what my recovery chances were if my type of cancer returned. There was no data at the time because few people had survived my type the first time around.
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| Pre-transplant with red marker on my arm. I couldn’t take a shower for days so the ink wouldn’t wear off. |
The transplant process was grueling, involving a month-long hospital stay and my first radiation therapy: TBI for total body irradiation for four days. I remember crying during a prep for the radiation a few days before I was admitted - the only time I consciously thought poor me. How the hell did I get here? Bald, essentially naked, fighting for my life lying on a cold capsule while the tech chatted about Pink Martini whose music was playing at the time. He drew lines with a red marker around my heart and lungs so those organs would be protected from radiation then took instant photos of me and my red marks. I had a fleeting thought that maybe he was a pervert who secretly kept a collection of red-circled breast pics for fun. I mean how tough is it to figure out where a patient’s heart and lungs are?
I was spared hair loss with my first round of chemo, but this new toxic cocktail caused most of my hair to fall within two weeks. I met with a doctor that Pink Martini day who said this hospital chemo would cause ALL the rest of my hair to fall out. It did. I was left with one eyebrow hair on one side and two hairs on the other. Oh and eight of my 10 toenails fell off.
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| Days before the transplant, I was hooked up to a miracle machine that harvested healthy baby blood cell |
For my radiation appointments the following week, I was given medication to make them bearable.
In the transplant process, patients are brought close to death, Then baby blood cells are infused, either collected from the patient or a donor. In my case, I was able to donate my own, then they were frozen. On the morning of the transplant, the thawed cells were infused, then they were supposed to engraft and grow into healthy blood cells. Mine did, to a point. My blood numbers still aren’t where they are supposed to be, but they are close enough.
A journalist for nearly 30 years, I was encouraged by family and friends to write what I had experienced. I had plenty of material, but first need to heal and be able to sit up at the computer and write. (I rejected suggestions that I speak my words or type lying down. Neither of those worked for me). Three years later, I took an online class - one or two of my kids rolled their eyes at that one - on how to create a blog.
On June 13, 2011, View From The Handicapped Space was born.
It came with a backstory and a target audience: “For people who find themselves in lives they hadn’t anticipated: seriously ill, disabled or caring for someone who is.”
My introduction: “I’m in the middle of the age range of baby boomers. But I am way ahead of the rest of the pack when it comes to what we might face as we get older. Fellow boomers might not want to think about life-threatening illness, Depends, walkers, or handicapped parking. Neither did I. But I’ve been though it all and came through it OK. I am alive. And I am disabled. And I am full of opinions and observations that will help others prepare for and adjust to the world ahead of them.”
I am ever grateful for the invaluable love and support showed by Matt, my kids and other family and friends, for the medical team that literally saved my life, for anyone who donated to the cancer-related non-profits who funded research yielding protocols that contributed to my success.
My life hasn’t been and isn’t easy. Since my diagnosis, I’ve fallen 21 times. I’m in constant pain. I take nearly 30 pills a day. I have seen and continue to see lots of physicians and undergo scans and tests. I’ve lost 2 1/2 inches of height due to my steroid-caused osteoporosis. I quit driving when I couldn’t distinguish the gas pedal from the brake - due to neuropathy in both legs. I remain anemic and immunocompromised. My oncologist explains it this way: my blood cells aren’t doing what they are supposed to be doing. But they are doing enough to keep me alive.
I’ll take it.
I’m an active 20-year survivor who has been cancer-free (since my transplant) for nearly 17 years. I’ve been able to enjoy two decades of precious time with people I love. I am physically limited in what I can do, but it’s a small price to pay. I tell people I can’t climb mountains, but could never do that when I was able-bodied. Now I have an excuse.
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| Me during the transplant. The sucker is to avoid the horrible taste that occurs when the baby cells enter your body |
Several years ago, I spoke at a UCLA celebration of bone marrow transplant survivors. The school was celebrating its 50th year of its transplant program and I was marking my 10th year as a transplant survivor. Many survivors, family and friend and medical professionals attended. A few current patients had been wheeled to the second floor with their IV poles to view the program in the courtyard. I told my story about when I first checked into my room on the transplant floor in 2008, a young woman stopped by. She was a bone marrow transplant survivor, and was returning a book to the unit and she asked if there were any new patients to the floor. She came to me to spark hope during desperate days. She said she had made it through just fine, despite many setbacks. I remember her beautiful long hair. “And this is my own hair!” she said.
The encounter was memorable.
And my transplant was a success - with zero setbacks. I told the patients I hope my story would encourage them.
I closed my short speech with my favorite summary of my life these past 20 years.
I’ve been to hell and back and hell and back with emphasis on the back.
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| Cheers to life |
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